admiral_ace

08:52 pm: If you could change one person's mind about something, who and what would it be?
*click*
*buzzzz*

If you could change one person's mind about something, who and what would it be?

People have always had the wrong impression of me. My mother thought I'd amounted to nothing until I told her about all my 'promotions'. My father thought I was a waste of space, a failure compared to my brothers. Almost every – all right, every - woman I've ever met has thought I was a loathsome piece of with only one thing on his mind… well, maybe not everyone was wrong.

God. I really am a waste of space, aren't I? What have I learnt from playing this game so far, let's see. I've learnt I'm alone, will always be unloved, and everyone hates me. And right now, since the people on this ship are the only people I'm likely to meet who don't want to kill me, do horrible, evil experiments on me, or force large sharp objects up my posterior, it's as good as it's going to get.

What would I do if I could change one person's mind about something? I'd change things so one person, just one – even Kryten, or the Cat I'm not fussy – could see something better in me. Something worth, I don't know, slapping me on the back for, say. Or something that made them want to share a beer with me. Or…

Yes, that's how bad things are. I'm wishing I could be on better terms with a toilet-scrubbing mechanoid, a vain, empty-headed cat-man, or the scruffiest, smelliest human in the universe.

Somebody pull the plug, for god's sake.

*click*
*silence*

Muse: Arnold J. Rimmer
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Word Count: 265

05:12 pm: What is your worst character flaw?
*click*
*buzz*

Yes, yes. Wait.

*buzzzzz*

I know, I know. I'm not answering while Lister is hanging around in here looking so smug. And humming, he's started humming again. God, I hate that.

Right, he's gone.

What is your worst character flaw?

Character flaw? Well, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to answer this one.

*buzz*
*buzz*

Shut up, you stupid thing, I'm thinking. I'm going to have to pass on this one. I've read the rules, I know I'm allowed to do that. You can't even penalise me as long as I explain.

And the explanation is simple. Whatever my so-called crew, so-called mates would have you believe, I don't have any character flaws. Maybe the odd pinprick sized imperfection, but nothing to lose sleep over.

They see cowardice, I see a good sense of self-preservation. They see megalomania, I see leadership. They see a fool, I know that. I see a man who has died, existed as nothing more than light for several years, and yet is now to all effects immune to the things that threaten a human, including death. I am… immortal. And I think we're all agreed, it couldn't happen to a nicer or more deserving bloke.

Aaah, that was – for once – a pleasant experience. I'd never really thought of myself as immortal before. Now I must go and share the news with Listy!

He'll probably want to throw a party.

*click*
*silence*

Muse: Arnold J. Rimmer
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Word Count: 240

06:26 pm: Something I can never have...
*click*
*buzzzz*

Time for another question is it? Fire away then!

What does the word love mean to you?

Lister put you up to this, didn't he? I knew it.

Let's see. Well, my parents loved me. It was an accident that I was almost adopted when I was six, they were just trying to get rid of an old sofa and there was a mix up with the paperwork. Almost impossible to believe it happened again when I was nine, and again when I was fourteen, but you know what they say, truth is always stranger than fiction.

Really, quite strange now that I think about it.

Anyway, on and off I’ve been seeing this girl called Rachel for quite some time-- oh, you know about her. Lister, I really, really hate you.

All right, so I've never been loved. Big deal. And we are on the run from probably the only human women left alive in the universe. It's a setback, but with my resourcefulness and the help of this fine crew, I'm sure I'll be able to...

I'll never get laid again as long as I live, will I?

No, I thought not.

*click*
*silence*

Muse: Arnold J. Rimmer
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Word Count: 198

01:44 pm: Describe your happily ever after.
What would I want to live happily ever after? Is this some sort of trick?

Yes, of course it is. You just want to know what my weaknesses are, don't you? It’s like when Lister asked me what type of cake I wanted for my birthday soiree, and then put laxative in the orange butter cream.

So I'm on to you me laddie. You won't fool me into whatever scheme you're up to just by sending me some Admiral's stripes, half-a-dozen naked chorus girls and lifetime supply of whipped cream…

…On the other hand, don't let me stop you, if you really want to try.

Muse: Arnold J. Rimmer
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Word Count: 107

11:47 am: What's the furthest away you've ever been from the place you were born/created?
*click*
*buzzzz*

Hello? *thump* Ah, there we go. Come on you stupid thing, give me a question.

What's the furthest away you've ever been from the place you were born/created? How did you get there? Why did you go? Did you return or even want to come back to where you came from?

Well, considering I was born three million years ago on a planet that probably doesn't exist any more, and that nobody knows how to find, I'd say I'd come quite a long way.

Technically Lister has a slight edge over me since he's still alive, but that's only because he cheated. He cheats at everything, even Patience, I've seen him. He's low-down, dirty, cheating scum, and even worse than that, he has no ambition at all, so even outranking him is no fun. I've seen gravy stains with more aims in life.

And he got the skutters to finish that jigsaw of the Titan Ladies Volleyball team, there's no excuse for that. I mean, how could his hands have been busy? Ridiculous.

And another thing I hate about him – how come everything ends up being about him? I thought this was going to be about me?

*click*
*silence*

Muse: Arnold J. Rimmer
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Word Count: 202